Here I go

When I started this blog, my first thought was to tell people my life up until now. I have come to the understanding that the past has shaped me, but I must focus on the present. I have lots of thoughts, and I think sharing them might help un-cluster them a bit. Do you ever wonder what it would be  like to swap brains with someone just for a day? I am talking about a stranger, a person you would usually not even think of twice. Don't you ever wonder what it feels like to be the homeless man under the bridge, or the carefree child in the playground? I have always wanted to be someone else for just a day, but only one day. I think to be overwhelmed by someone else's thoughts for a change might make my life more interesting. I feel like a live life day by day in this vicious cycle that never ends. I yearn for randomness. I wish I could live a life of freedom from my fears. I want to climb a mountain and run ten miles without breaking a sweat. Growing up we are told that we can "do anything", I beg to differ. If I went and climbed a mountain right now, I wouldn't make it very far, but it isn't because I can't. We always confuse can't with won't or some other crazy contraction that makes us justify our fears. What are we truly afraid of? We all have some sort of fear that stems from the fact that we truly do not know who we really are. It is true, I could give you a list of things that I am or have done, but a list isn't me. It is hard to peer into your own soul. Looking into my soul I see confusion and secrets that my heart isn't willing to uncover. I want to find the key to unlock all the things my subconsciousness is hiding. I want to feel the pain that I locked away when I was in Iraq, but my heart won't let me. The smile on my face is sincere, but the frightened look in my eyes is honest. I am loved, I know that. There is no question that when people see me they see something remarkable that I will never see. I have faith, but I am human. I will never understand empathy like I used to, and it scared me to think that one day I might not even care at all. This all my truth, as dark as it may seem, but I my chin stays held high. I may be afraid, but I will always be hopeful.